Thursday, January 5, 2012

The Chef's Manifesto; or....How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Blog (a promise)

Today's Specials: Galantine of Excitement Stuffed with Nervous Apprehension. Drizzled with a Passion Reduction and Chiffonade of Self-Depricating Humor.

Set to the tune of  Nirvana's "Dive"

Ok, with a show of hands, who's already eaten today?

Not bad.

Now, with a show of hands how many are planning on eating again today?

Wow...that's a lot.

I've got some bad news for ya, gang. It seems to me like you're addicted to food. Don't believe me? Ok, how's this. According to the Mayo Clinic, signs of addiction include:

-Neglecting Responsibilities: How many of you take a whole hour out of your workday to get a fix?
-Your Life Revolves Around Your Drug: Does it seem like you can't go to a wedding, funeral, party, or family get together with out needing some form of culination (yes it's a real word) to lubricate your enjoyment of the whole thing? Do you sometimes even eat alone...or are you still holding on to the delusion that you're just a 'social eater'?
Sudden Weight Loss or Gain: Does your weight fluxuate with how often and what kinds of food you eat?
Unexplained Mood Swings: Can you go a whole day without food without feeling like you're gonna die? Do you get anxious? Light-headed? Short of breath? Irritable? And when you finally do get some food, does relief to the point of giddiness wash over you like so much gravy? got it bad, kid. And believe me, it takes one to know one. I've been struggling with my addiction to food for years. So many back alleys....paper cuts from menus. It was so bad at one point I was selling crack just to get a shot of tuna ceviche....dark days indeed.

But there is hope, dear readers. I, your savior and humble narrator, bring you help in the form of Braised in Captivity. It's a support group. It's a shoulder to cry on. It's an ear and a voice for those who have lived with the shame of their addiction for too long. In the posts to come, we'll be discussing the nature and treatment of our affliction. I know it won't be easy...but it will be worth it.

I promise.

In the posts to come there will be tales of love lost and found, the meals we've shared, the restaurants we love (and despise.....DO YOU HEAR ME APPLEBEE'S), recipes, and instruction. I will teach you...I will learn from you.

And so, with my right hand raised, and my left hand on my chef's knife (carefully, that fucker's wicked sharp):

I swear to always uphold the standard of culinary excellence. To never put ketchup on things that don't warrant it. To keep my knives clean and sharp. To share with you both the victories and failures of the projects I undertake. I promise I'll elaborate on things needing explaining and to keep no 'secret ingredient'. I promise to swear profusely. I will do my best to present all information in a fun and humorous way and have some fucking fun with this.

With this first post, we set to sail. Cheers~


  1. No mention of dirty anonymous sex with strangers of questionable hygiene. Please rectify in future posts. Thanks.

  2. great job Rob!!! Can't wait to read more!!

  3. This is going to be a fun ride... now cook something for me!